They ask how things change after you stare death down. I say it’s the things you choose. Before, I rarely noticed a sunset. Now, every sunny sunset I am an observer – front and center. Before, I tried to be everything to everybody. Now, I choose thoughtfully where I spend my time & energy. I make time for deep conversations and friendships. Before, I’d say “let’s get together.” Now, each year I visit a bestie and vacation with the family. Before, I dreamed dreams. Now, I pursue them – writing songs & books- no longer afraid of rejection. Before, I hurried. Now I always literally smell & photograph the roses. I now pass on the name brand clothing to spend good money on good music & coffee. I went sand sliding in New Mexico with the kids, danced on the hotel bar in Vegas and rode the bull on Music Row. I rekindled & forgave, and let God restore my soul. I have finally learned how to suck out the marrow of life & not worry about the Joneses. Life, you see, after the Valley, is oh, so very sweet! Not because we are different, but because of what we choose. -A. Estes

“You can’t raise any two kids the same,” I’ve always heard, and I always attributed it to the fact that each child is different, and the same tactics will not necessarily be successful due to the personality differences of the children.  But now, in my forties versus my twenties, I mother my last child a lot differently than I did my first – not just due to how SHE is different from her siblings, but how I am different.

With the first, I had a VISION of what I wanted my little girl to become.  I planned long and hard to figure out how I could maneuver the universe to help me mold my little girl into the young lady I wanted.  Three kids and twenty years later, I am happy to report they (and old age) have broken me of that habit.  I no longer try to “sculpt” a child, but instead try to evaluate & ask, “What is (this) child’s strengths? How is (this) child inclined? And what sports/careers/etc suit that?”  I would like to say child rearing has gone a lot smoother since that transition – largely, it has, but then came our ADD, learning “dis”ability kid.  The kind of kid you have to tell 5 times to put his shoes on, who still puts his shorts on backward, and has to struggle so much it is painful just to write a sentence.  But he’s also the kid who cries at the heart-wrenching part of the movie, breaks into an English accent at random, and can tell you anything you ever want to know about any animal.  Seriously.  However, in a weak moment, I worried about my child.  In a world where college is King, “what would become of my boy?” I wondered, as I watched him make faces in the mirror.  And that’s when it hit me “making faces (acting) might be his slingshot.”

I had just read the story (AGAIN) of David and Goliath to my littles, and laughed when I thought of how it might have been to raise young David.  He was the runt, and not even considered “important enough” to be called among the seven sons when the prophet Samuel went to his father Jessie’s house to anoint the next King. He was tending sheep, which was considered one of the lowliest of jobs then.  I pictured his father standing at the door, perhaps watching his son occasionally, shaking his head and wondering what would ever become of his scrawny youngest – too lean and small to ever even think of becoming a strong farmer, much less a mighty warrior.  “Just look at him, honey, all little and unskilled…And all he ever does is play with that blasted slingshot!”

Slingshot.

The very thing that his father found little use for – maybe even annoyed him – was the very venue through which God would bring the victory to his people.

Keep your eyes open for your child’s “slingshot”.  It may just be his salvation.

[April Estes lives in Knoxville and discovered her son’s slingshot was performing: magic, acting, singing…despite the dyslexia]

I recently watched a report on the local news about a man who had been in Germany in World War II & dated a girl there. He had to return to the states, but wrote a letter asking her to marry him. She misunderstood his intentions and the two lost contact. They both went on to marry others and have families. Sixty years later, the two were being reunited in their eighties for a meeting. What struck me was the older gentleman’s vocabulary. Instead of saying “we fell in love”, he told of how they had met and had an initial ATTRACTION which led to a mutual FRIENDSHIP and FONDNESS. He only used the word love when he said he was married to his wife for 50 years “who he loved dearly”.

In this fast paced world of “one word fits all” mentality it was refreshing to hear love’s attributes subdivided and properly named – giving LOVE it’s rightful & honored place. He admitted there was attraction, fondness and maybe even passion…but love? That was reserved for his wife of 50 years, who truly LOVED (as a verb) everyday for 50 years. Today we love everything from ice cream to our mates. Passion and attraction are electric but it is love – giving, selfless, self sacrificing love – that holds the purse while she shops, swallows the snide remark that could win the argument and holds her hair when she’s sick. It is the hard stuff. The messy stuff. The “I’d rather not” stuff. It is loving in DEED, not merely feelings or words. PLet us, like I John 3:18 implores “love in word and deed and not just word only”. Passion and attraction are great. But let’s not settle for anything less than the best in love!

Besides salvation, one of the best blessings of following Christ is His promise of what is to come. Sometimes life goes as perfectly planned – but for most people it does not. If you are in the latter group, you are in good company. Jesus did not attain earthly rule, Moses did not get to enter the Promised Land, David did not get to build the Temple, Rahab the harlot never knew that it was HER lineage that brought the Savior of the world…There is an entire chapter in Hebrews 11 called the Chapter of Faith that lists people who did not get their reward this side of the grave EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE FAITHFUL AND DID EVERYTHING RIGHT. Even though that feels unfair, there is beauty in it. For, you see, our God is NOT LIMITED BY DEATH. If we don’t get our “reward” on this side, there is a whole other side – eternity – where God will reward, make things new, reunite loved ones and heal all wounds. Your loved one dies? It’s OK! Heaven is coming! You were wounded and wronged? It’s OK! Heaven is coming! The best, most anticipated things are sometimes not attained this side of the Veil: Jesus, Moses, the Isrealites, Rahab…all had to WAIT for their reward post-grave. BUT FOR THOSE WHO WAIT COME THE SPOILS! Hang on, weary soldier! The best is yet to come!

There is a poignant scene in the movie The Patriot where a white and black soldier are about to fight alongside each other. The black soldier is serving so that, at the end of his term, he will be a free man. Right before the two jump up to fight what very well might be their last battle, the white soldier looks at him and says, “And just what are you going to do with your freedom?” Even at a young age, the question cut through me, as if the character was speaking to me directly. Only, my spirit interpreted it as, “And just what are you going to do with your freedom here? Are you going to use it for selfish pursuits? Are you going to piddle your days away focusing on the trivial? Or are you going to make the most of your freedom in Christ – sharing the lifesaving Gospel news of Christ, raising your children to know Him, being a friend to the friendless and bringing hope to the hurting? You only have limited time, my friend, so…WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH YOUR FREEDOM?” It’s a question we all have to answer everyday when our feet hit the floor. Will our lives this day be used to help or hurt the kingdom? Will we use our God-given talents and opportunities to promote His agenda or our own? Time is limited, whether we like to think of it in that way or not. At the end of the journey, will we be happy with how we answer the Lord when He asks, “And just what did you do with your freedom?”

“It is well with my soul” is a conundrum. Many times we say it through gritted teeth, in anger, with tears seeping out of the corners of our eyes before we say it with surrender. For the christian, it does not mean everything is ok. It does not mean we are happy with events. It does not mean we approve or choose whatever catastrophic events we are in. It means that, whatever situation we find ourselves in, we realize that God can bring good from it, that whatever evil comes our way, our good Father is ultimately in control. He is also the god of Vengeance and the Just God – with mercy. It means we TRUST. we trust in the One who promises to make all things right and new and right. It is an admission that God is God, and we are not. It is a humble submission to trust that whatever comes our way, God will be with us, side by side in the fire and side by side on the cross.

I am a re-gifter.  I admit it.  And I know I am not the only one, because at our wedding shower we opened a gift from Rachel, the preacher’s daughter (who was also getting married that month), and inside was was a little card that said

To: Rachel and Steve        From: Carla and Jim

We had a good laugh over that one, and I was happy for it, because it became my favorite casserole dish (win, win).  But there are some instances when gifts are NOT used so positively… 

The devil roams around like a roaring lion, trying to devour all God followers.  He is so dirty he’ll even use the gifts and desires God places within us to use them AGAINST us. In the Garden, he used Eve’s desire to be like God (a noble desire) against her.  He told her she would “be like God, knowing good and evil” and by eating the fruit she would “become wise”. He tempted her so much that in her effort to be LIKE God, she FORGOT God. 

Later, he used Moses’ love for God’s people to stir up anger, which ended in Moses committing murder.

He used the passion of David (which made beautiful praise songs) notice a lady in a tub, which David allowed to end in unholy passions.

He used Joseph’s prophesies to all lead him to brag, leading in years of slavery and prison.

Part of our heavy responsibility is not only to USE the gifts God’s given us, but to also TAME them to continue to be used for the LORD, and not the enemy. The good news is even when we slip and fall (as all these did), God’s redemptive hand stays waiting to use us again, at just the right time and in just the right way. He is a master Restorer and second chance Granter.

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Throughout the Bible, we read many names of God: the God who sees, the God who hears, the Almighty God, etc. In Genesis 22 we are told the story of when Abraham was told to go sacrifice his only son, Isaac. He, indeed, did go – but just before the knife slashed, and Angel of the Lord stayed his hand and provided another sacrifice, a ram. Right after this seemingly unnecessary event, God says “NOW I know that you love (fear) me…” This word “know” in Hebrew is related to EXPERIENCE. It’s almost as if God himself is experiencing the struggle with Abraham…

I’ve often wondered about the story of Job. How, after his trials, the Lord replenished his cattle and wealth and children…it seems so sterile. Again, when David was tempted with Bathsheba, God said “I would have given you more wives if you had asked.” It’s as if He doesn’t see the difference.

Perhaps he doesn’t. We so often interpret things from OUR perspectives, but God is the Father of all & lives through eternity. Like an earthly father, He loves all His children the same and death is nothing more than a step into eternity to Him. He sees it all: the whole span. Correctly. It is we who have the limited vision. But, interestingly, I could not find a name for God that meant “God who understands”…

But then came Jesus. He walked where we walked. He spoke as we spoke. He hungered and thirsted as we do, and was tempted as we are. When his best friend died? JESUS WEPT. I now think that is a very poignant verse. Perhaps it was the first time God “got it” – our perspective, that is. Perhaps, for the first time, He felt the distance and separation of death as He was stuck on this side of the veil. It was so overwhelmingly awful He even brought His friend back to life!

I could not find a name for God that means “a God who understands”…until Jesus. The Bible calls Jesus our ADVOCATE and MEDIATOR – one who UNDERSTANDS enough to explain our perspective to the Father. Our God is not now merely a God who sees and hears, but He is also a God who UNDERSTANDS! A God who has walked the road we travel, felt the emotions we feel, a God who has stood at the grave of a friend and WEPT DEEPLY for the time of waiting for reunion. There is no other God who can claim this. Praise be to God who does not stand afar in single perspective judgement, but provides an advocate, an attorney who has BEEN HERE and DONE THIS, and stands ready to eagerly plead our case!

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It began with a coat. The blessings and the jealousies and the betrayals and the separations – all because of a coat. Of many colors. Each color prophesying of Joseph’s eventual leadership over agriculture, husbandry and even people. It became a coat of destiny, of self honor and pride. And he clung to it. Like an idol. And, like all idols, it comforted him, reassured him and puffed him up. Only, His God didn’t allow anything – even a good thing – to take His rightful place, so He intervened. Down, down, down Joseph fell – into the miry well, his beloved coat rent among the mockers. He was half naked and alone – his idol not able to save him.

It wasn’t long before he was in a place of honor – second in command of Potiphar’s house. He’d worked his way from slave to trusted servant. He, once again, had been bestowed a coat of honor. He was head over all of Potiphar’s belongings, save his wife, but she was now before him, tempting him. What would he do? In a moment that allowed no planning, he ran away – abandoning his coat of honor in the hand of a temptress. He rejected the idol he’d clung to in the past, choosing instead an invisible coat of obedience. He, again, was left naked, not knowing his fate.

His obedience to God was rewarded by setting him up to enter Pharaoh’s service – in prison. Joseph’s living God had seemingly abandoned him. For years in prison he remained, until the appointed time. Joseph was eventually summoned before the King and rose to second in command, receiving a coat of honor. Fulfilling the prophesy of his youthful coat of many colors, he ruled over all agriculture, husbandry, and trade in Egypt – not because of an idol, but because of his Lord’s plan.

He first clung to his coat, then abandoned his coat, then (after enduring trials) was bestowed a coat of honor. Throughout his life, the coat was a constant reminder of God’s plan. What is your coat? Is it an idol or an honor?

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Yesterday we attended my oldest daughter’s Senior Awards Day. We watched with thankful hearts as they announced her awards – ironically (and perchance purposefully?) seated beside the students with special needs. I smiled as parents bragged on their children, each one touting the secondary school their child would be attending. As with most celebrations, my eyes teared up.

With every academic accomplishment, there’s always a cloud not far that whispers my son’s name. He is not “book smart”. His dyslexia and dysgraphia make school work a living nightmare. What takes most kids 3 minutes will take him at LEAST 20. It is wearisome and it is never ending. Yet, everyday, he gets up to face the torture before him.

As i watched the seniors smiling on the gym floor, I heard it…the questions and statements that always follow. “where is your child going to college? What school is he going to? What is she majoring in?” There isn’t even a thought that perhaps, just maybe, college is not on the radar for some. I remember back to my own high school days, praying for guidance in which college to pursue. Did I even ask God if college should be pursued?? In our acceptance “college is necessary” mentality, has college become (our) God?

We have four children, all talented in different ways. Our oldest has always wanted college, but we made sure to present all the options. Our second (who is smart as a whip) has always stated she will not go – instead, wants to become a realtor instantly. She will do great. She’s always been a hard worker and excellent saleslady. When telling someone once that one of our “bigs” was doing college and the other was not, I got the inevitable quizzical stare. “Military?” she asked. “No” i replied. I couldn’t believe the awkward silence that followed. It was as if I said she thought the world was flat. And then, there it was: “Well my child KNOWS COLLEGE ISN’T AN OPTION”

In our middle class lives, we’ve all heard it. I’ll bet most of us have even SAID it. But have we ever stopped to QUESTION it?

My husband graduated Valedictorian with a 30something on the ACT. I as well graduated with honors and we both worked our tails off while married to complete our Bachelor degrees, then MBA. And, yet…the men on my husband’s factory floor 12 years later were making MORE than him. With no debt. Yes, I’m serious. And I found myself thousands of dollars in debt later pursuing the same things I did BEFORE college (that produced a career that didn’t fulfill me personally). Hmmm….

What is this bill of goods we’ve been sold? Why such a glorification of academia?? I can tell you first hand, I cannot diagnose a failing transmission or fix one. Yet, here I sit in all my degreed “glory”

My mind instantly reflected on Jace. His options, so limited. So unfair. Where is his – or the special students beside me in their wheelchairs – award? For working four times as hard to barely pass??

“I know what you mean…college isn’t an option for my son, either,” I quickly responded. The thought used to sadden me, as if I’d failed as s parent. This same child who is the first to stop and check on people who’ve fallen at the skating rink and plays daily with his Asperger friend, often times giving him grace and saying “It’s ok Mom, it’s just his Aspergers…” this same child is to be pitied??

What have we come to in America when we feel we’ve failed if our children don’t pursue college? The recent college scandal in Hollywood attests that it is not merely a middle class issue….

As Christians, we should take EVERYTHING to the Lord in prayer, no assumptions, no exceptions. What seems wise and best to us could perhaps not be God’s will for us. Let us have the courage to be brave enough to let our children step out in bold faith and pursue what God has gifted them to do.

Yesterday was bittersweet, but only because I cannot see the future. That, as well as my children, belong to Him.